Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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