And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
