all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
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He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
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Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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