how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
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I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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