I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
