If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
