just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
