I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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