Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Randomize
