Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
