Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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