Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
