Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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