A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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