I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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