Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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