You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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