Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
