I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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