I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
