Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
