Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
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