Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
