Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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