you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Randomize
