Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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