There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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