I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.