just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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