cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.