The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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