My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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