I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
