i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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