Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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