I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
