So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
