Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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