I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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