i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Randomize
