every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Randomize
