My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
