what day is it and did you see me today?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
