Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
