A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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