Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
