Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
