what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
