I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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