im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
So many bounce houses so little time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize