One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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