So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
