I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
