you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
