I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
