Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
