So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
