I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.