nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.