Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.