i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
I told him it was alright.
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rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
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Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?