I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
