I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
