I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Randomize
