I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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