I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
