They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
